


Crisis of Infinite Captain Americas

by Worffan101



Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel (Comics), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Fix-It, Fuck Secret Empire, Gen, Secret Empire (Marvel)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-25
Updated: 2020-06-25
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:27:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24904549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Worffan101/pseuds/Worffan101
Summary: When he hears that a no-good Nazi bastard has taken his name and identity, Captain America knows just what to do: Get 7,000 Captain Americas together to kick Captain HYDRA's yellow-bellied behind.Or, I read "Secret Empire" and was elementally enraged.  Been sitting on this baby for over 2 years.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 6





	Crisis of Infinite Captain Americas

Stephanie Rogers knew that one normal morning was too much to ask for.  
  
She'd just brought her morning coffee to her lips and turned back towards her living room when an electric crackle split the air, widening into a circular portal, which spat out a blond-haired, blue-eyed man in a resplendent copy of Steph's Captain America costume. Hell, even the shield was the same circular one, red and white rings with the white star offset against a blue circle in the middle. He stumbled slightly as he hit the floor of Steph's apartment (shag carpet about two inches lower than the apparent floor on his side of the rift), and caught himself before his shield hit the kitchen table.  
  
Stephanie swallowed her drink, set the mug down, and crossed her arms. "I'm not sharing my coffee with you."  
  
The man grinned. "I assume that you're the Steve--uh, well, some equivalent of Steve Rogers of this timeline? Captain America?"  
  
"How'd you guess?"  
  
He pointed behind Steph's head. "Poster of you punching out Hitler over the dishwasher."  
  
"...alright, you've got a point. So...what are you doing here? And I assume since you aren't trying to kill and replace me like a Skrull would that you're a time-travelling or universe-jumping genderswapped duplicate of me?"  
  
"From another dimension, yes. I'm here to recruit you. See, the Red Skull used the Cosmic Cube to create an alternate timeline where a counterpart of me is a Nazi, he's become Captain HYDRA and taken over America..."  
  
Steph held up a hand. "You had me at the Red Skull." She waved Steve after her and headed into her bedroom, throwing open her closet. "Why me?"  
  
"I figured that the best way to foil the Red Skull and Captain HYDRA was to get every possible version of me together to kick their no-good Nazi behinds into next Saturday."  
  
"Alright, that seems plausible, by my standards at least." Steve averted his eyes politely as Steph shucked her clothes and stepped into her costume. "Should I bring Samantha and Bucky?"  
  
"Samantha?"  
  
"Samantha Wilson, American Eagle. We used to date."  
  
"Strange, I'd never be able to date a female Sam. Weird imagining him as a woman, at least. What about Bucky?"  
  
"We considered getting married back in '40, but then the war broke out and he volunteered, and I became a nurse. Once I gained my powers, it was awkward, and he was a bit shell-shocked. Then he was frozen and came back with a cyborg arm. We dated. I'm single at the moment, sort of."  
  
Steve nodded. "Something similar happened on my end. The cyborg arm thing, I mean. It's probably best if we just keep this between us Captain Americas. Simpler that way."  
  
"That works for me." Steph stuck her shield on her back, grabbed a piece of paper and a pen from the bedside table, scribbled out a quick note, and nodded to Steve. "Let's go."  
***  
Captain HYDRA chuckled malevolently as he stepped on Sam Wilson's head, the fallen man only able to groan in pain as the supervillain gloated, Bucky Barnes flat on his ass and clutching his own head before him. "You fools!" Captain HYDRA laughed, "You thought you could challenge the power of HYDRA? Our eternal Aryan nation shall endure through the ages, rendered indestructible and eternal by the power of the Cosmic Cube and the sacred will of our eternal _Führer_. The vision of the Red Skull will triumph over your feeble efforts to..."  
  
A cough sounded from behind him, coupled with an electric crackle in the air. "'Scuse me, son, would you mind holding off on the gloating for just a minute or two?"  
  
Captain HYDRA turned, taking his boot off of Sam's head, and his jaw dropped. "What the..."  
  
Thousands upon thousands of people appeared from nowhere, in various permutations of patriotic uniforms, stepping through electric holes in reality. There were so many Captain Americas that they formed an unending mass of red, white, and blue stretching across the field, a mesmerizing mirage for rippling motion and glinting shields. It was a display so patriotic that the semiconscious Bucky Barnes, head still reeling from Captain HYDRA's blows, thought he heard _The Star-Spangled Banner_ playing in the background and saw the Blue Angels flying overhead with red, white, and blue trails behind them. The man in front, Captain America tall and strong-jawed, stepped forwards with a grin.  
  
"Afternoon, son. I'm Captain America. This is Captain America--" a woman, tall and muscular-- "her name's Stephanie, charming woman, Captain America--" a black man, titanic and grinning broadly-- "that's Isaiah, great fellow, Captain America--" a near-clone of the Captain America in front, but this one in an all-red suit with a hammer and sickle on the chest-- "he's from the Union of American Socialist Republics, they had a worse Great Depression than my universe, Captain America--" floating on air, metal balls orbiting him-- "that's Erich Lensherr of Earth-967, his parents made it to America and he joined the Army to fight Hitler and took the name after I died in that timeline, Captain America, Air Force Captain America, Navy Captain America, Staff Sergeant America, Major America, Major General America, Brigadier General America, General America, Field Marshal America, Petty Officer, Third Class America, Private First Class America, Lieutenant America, Sergeant America, Chief Master Sergeant America, Corporal America, Captain America, President America--" 'My friends call me Steve', this version of Rogers piped up-- "Captain America, Captain America, Captain America, that's Sam Wilson from my timeline, Captain America, that's Bucky Barnes from another timeline, Captain America, Captain America, and all 6,972 or so of those other fellows are Captain America, too." He turned back to Captain HYDRA, shield ready. "We've got a bone to pick with you, you goddamn Hitler-loving son of a bitch." Bucky thought he saw an eagle soar overhead holding a gun in its talons and trailing red, white, and blue fireworks, and heard _America the Beautiful_. He probably needed to be checked over for a concussion.  
  
Captain HYDRA turned and ran, screaming like a little girl. There was a general roar of outrage and "GET HIM!" from behind him, and about 350 round shields hit the would-be dictator in the back of the head at approximately the same time (the other 6650 shields hitting each other en route and scattering all over the National Mall). It was only thanks to his extremely expensive armor that the Nazi wasn't killed instantly. As it was, by the time he woke up, the various Captains America were just starting to reach a decision as to who would deal with their evil counterpart.  
***  
Stephanie Rogers stepped back into her own universe, a takeaway clamshell under her arm, and stepped over to her fridge as soon as the rift closed. Shwarma went in, she closed the door, and Steph shucked her helmet as she strolled over to her couch.  
  
Samantha Wilson and James Buchanan Barnes woke simultaneously with a start at the sound of the helmet hitting the kitchen table and jolted to their feet. "Wha-" "Steph?"  
  
Steph groaned, pinching the bridge of her nose. "Why are you two on my couch _again_?"  
  
"We got your note," Bucky, still wearing his red-and-white striped shirt from his "Mr. America" outfit, noted.  
  
"It seemed a little implausible, though," Sam, wearing her Statue of Liberty-inspired "American Eagle" costume _sans_ flight rig, added. "I mean, not by our standards, but in general." Steph grimaced at that.  
  
"How was the vacation?" Bucky asked.  
  
"It was good. The 6,999 other mes--well, mes and a couple of alternates of other people--were nice enough. The fight was kind of an anticlimax, though." Steph sat in her recliner with a groan. She was 100 years old, damn it, she had a _right_ to have a recliner, physically only 30 or not.  
  
"7,000 to 1?"  
  
Steph nodded. "In retrospect, we probably should've expected that. We had time to stop for shwarma. Steve Rogers of Earth-199999 said it was a tradition. Steve Rogers of Earth-415 thought it was a great idea, but his daughter Sharon--she was Captain America from that timeline--doesn't like spicy food so we had to get hamburgers as well. Actually we were kind of disappointed by Captain HYDRA. Communist Captain America wanted to wake him up to see if we could take him on one-on-one but he was outvoted."  
  
Sam shook her head. "God damn, Steph. Well, I'm just happy you're safe. We both are." Bucky nodded earnestly.  
  
"Just, next time, when you're heading out to fight an interdimensional Nazi?" Bucky asked. "Please take us with you."  
  
Captain America grinned. "Not a problem. Trust me."


End file.
